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Hello, it's me.

Hello LJ. I got lost tonight in nostalgia and wound up here... looking at Mary's old live journal a bit... thinking back to all my memories. Life is so different. It's hard to remember life before my kids honestly. Yep, I have two kids... a boy who's 5 and a girl who is 2. They are the sweetest things and I love being a mom... BUT.. our world has been rocked by autism. My son is autistic and my daughter likely is as well.... she'll probably be getting formal diagnosis within the next year. I don't like to complain or bitch and moan.. there are so many others out there who have it far worse than we do. My kids are healthy, they smile and show emotion and like to hug and kiss us (most of the time). My son can talk but he doesn't really have conversational speech and my daughter right now isn't speaking at all. It never crossed my mind until the other day "what if she just never speaks?" and that scared the shit out of me. Will they both grow up and be able to take care of themselves? What will they do once I pass away? It's hard to not think about the future with them but I know I need to just stay in the present and focus on the blessings we do have and getting through the current struggles we deal with (potty training).

*sigh*

When I think back to my life in my 20's I was so self absorbed.. maybe that's how most 20 year olds are though. Maybe I shouldn't feel guilty about it, because I definitely had some great times back then, and maybe I should just allow myself to think back fondly on those times? But shit, if I don't get pissed off sometimes at parents who never have to even THINK about autism.. those people in the world who the word autism will never cross their lips. It makes me angry. They don't have to take into consideration the things that I do... will my son ever be potty trained? Will he run off and get lost and not be able to tell people his name or where he lives? But then again, there are disabilites and different things in life that I never think of and someone else out there is dealing with it.. day in, day out. We all have struggles man... and right now I'm struggling to keep my eyes open. So until next time live journal.. thank you for being here.

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