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More often than not I think I'm unhappy. Is that weird though.. to say I "think" I'm unhappy? I mean, I'm a stay at home mom so my days are filled with cartoons, changing diapers, feeding the baby, playing with him... and that stuff is fun most of the time... but when it comes down to me.. who I am as a person.. I'm really unfulfilled. I have always, for as long as I remembered, felt like there was something BIG I was supposed to do in life. Write a book, sing, create something.. I guess be creative in some way.. and I just have always felt like I don't know WHAT or HOW to express that. So here I am.. married, not working towards any goal, and living far away from my family who I am super close with and friends in Texas.. it's no wonder I'm unhappy.

And I really don't think it's my marriage,... I mean, I really do love Tim. Yeah, sometimes I miss that excitement and spark of being single and meeting someone new.. but I love Tim and we have been through so much together and yeah, sometimes he does little things that bug me but I'm sure I do the same to him and isn't that what marriage is about? Point is though.. Tim wants me to be happy. He has told me before to do what makes me happy. If that's just have only one child and travel the world with Benicio then do it. I mean, Tim will try to be as supportive as he can in order for me to be happy.. but a major problem is I'm not sure what will make me happy. I feel like if I had a career that I loved.. something in travel maybe or artistic/creative stuff maybe I'd feel happy and fulfilled in myself. But then I think.. hell.. probably 99% of people out there DO NOT have jobs they find fulfilling and are just working to make some money. I mean.. seriously, just a few weeks ago I said to Tim out of the blue "maybe I should go to pastry school and be a pastry chef". Where the fuck did that come from? Like I've even baked anything before. I mess up those Betty crocker brownies in a box! I did bake some homemade bread once and it came out great and I felt very proud ... but really? A pastry chef? Like I'm just gonna say "OK, that's it. I'm gonna be a pastry chef" and it's going to be my life's passion??? I'm so messed up.

I asked Tim how he knew what he wanted to go to college for and he said he just knew. I think it's because his older brother went to school for basically the same thing and he just followed in his footsteps without thinking about it. And he says he is happy at his job and it makes him feel fullfilled but sometimes I don't think that's so true. I wish I could just KNOW that something is my path and follow through on it. Will I ever complete anything? Will I ever be GOOD at anything? ugh.


Jan. 24th, 2012 10:54 pm (UTC)
Here's some unsolicited feedback, just because I really recognized myself in what you wrote, as I used to feel the same way.

I think one thing that helped me was to stop thinking that there was this ONE magical thing that was going to be totally fulfilling, and if I could just figure out what it was, then I would be totally happy. Instead, I started looking at it more inclusively, and planning to have "multiple income streams". I am going to massage school to be come a massage therapist, but I am also still doing sewing and costuming work, and pursuing other interests as hobbies. So maybe just pick something that you can make the most money at as your "job" but work part-time, and don't make that the be-all, end-all. You can find fulfillment outside of what you do for work.

Don't let the bastards get you down!
Jan. 29th, 2012 11:21 am (UTC)
thank you sincerely for your input.. and I know you are absolutely right. in other words, just do it!

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