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New Year's Eve 2011

How the hell did we get here? Wasn't it yesterday that it was barely 2003? So I just put the baby back to sleep and I'm up alone on the couch .. it's 11:27 pm and what is on the tv? Of course it's Coldplay on Austin City Limits. ha. Coldplay is like the music of my .. well, not youth.. but my 20's I guess you'd say. Yeah, I like Coldplay and I"m not afraid to admit it.. even though I haven't listened to any new music they have made since 2004 or so. They just make music that really resonates with the emotional side of me. And of course they are playing in Austin.. so watching this really brings me back to those days. I make fun of my cousin Jennifer for living in the 80's... listening to all 80's hair bands.. but aren't I just doing the same sometimes? Living in the early 2000's... not musically but emotionally and memory-wise.

I freaked out today on my husband because I have been feeling over the last few days like I'm not happy with much in my life... but haven't I always been that way? He pointed out (and it's likely true) that I always want what I can't have. When I was single I was lonely and wanted a relationship, a family. Now that I have that I want my freedom. I really think that I just need that balance and I don't have it. No girlfriends near by for going out.. I do get to travel quite a bit though if I'm honest with myself.

I just have always felt like I wanted a life that was different. Who doesn't though right? I always wanted adventure and excitement.. romance. I was thinking about that feeling when you go out for a night .. get all dressed up and feeling hot/sexy and are in a bar/club that smells like beer and cigarettes and sweat.. but it's sorta a strangely good smell. You walk through the club looking at everyone.. not knowing what the night is going to bring.. sizing up hot guys.. maybe someone catches your eye and you exchange glances for a bit.. that electricity and excitement of those moments is what I miss I guess. Not that I have to have that experience per say... I just need something that's all mine.. just for me.. thrilling and fun and new. Hell, maybe I need to take another workout class or try something dumb like pottery or painting. lol.

anyway.. Happy New Year everyone.

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