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Been a long time...

years even.. like two since I last posted but more than that since I really kept this thing up to date with my daily thoughts and feelings. I think I might start coming here again more often though.. just to let out those private things that need out.. purge everything out of those dark and dusty corners that have been overlooked for so long. I'm a much more positive person than I was 15 or 10 years ago, that's for sure.. but there are still traces of sadness and depression there that just have no way out anymore. Of course my husband and my beautiful baby boy definitely help keep that darkness at bay. How can I even look at my son smiling without smiling back? There is no way. But, when I have moments of alone like now it's nice to be able to type freestyle like this and just get things out into the open... visually look at them on the monitor and make them more real while letting go of them at the same time. I suppose I can thank "him" for bringing me back to this site since I had a dream about him last night that was so real.

In it we were in a room together with my sister as well.. I was trying to get him to talk to me, communicate somehow but he wasn't doing it.. but at the same time I could tell he wanted me around. Finally I decided to leave since he wasn't even speaking to me. That's when I woke up.

Maybe I'll use this site as a place to vent my frustrations.. which will mainly be the fact that I want to be back in the south, back in Texas specifically with my family.. and it looks like I might not ever get there.

Ok, back to reading entries from the past now.

Comments

( 6 comments — Leave a comment )
sdx
Dec. 22nd, 2011 04:07 pm (UTC)
Reading entries from the past can be really awkward. We grow on so many levels that we don't even consciously realize.

LJ is so neglected by everybody (facebook killed the lj star), but in a way, maybe that means that LJ can be used more what it was meant for. Remember the days of meeting everyone off LJ and then you just couldn't post totally uninhibited.

Hope all is well and that you're staying warm.
-carlito
ophelia99
Dec. 22nd, 2011 07:11 pm (UTC)
hello Carlito! It is so strange reading past entries isn't it? Sometimes I can't believe I said or thought those things but most of the time I feel a slight tinge of missing the person I used to be. Not that I'm not happy with who I am now.. just not as much time to contemplate on things. Hope you are well and keeping Austin "weird" lol. I know that is so cliche. I was thinking the other day that Austin is weird like a hot guy trying to pretend to be ugly or nerdy, while Syracuse is weird like a strange guy pushing a life size doll in a wheelchair down the street dressed in drag. Seriously, I saw that one day here. Creepy. lol.
great_dame
Dec. 25th, 2011 03:27 am (UTC)
I wondered if you would like trying to be friends. I'm looking for new people to read about on occasion.
ophelia99
Jan. 1st, 2012 04:36 am (UTC)
I added you as a friend.. thank you. :)
brainwavy
Dec. 29th, 2011 07:06 pm (UTC)
hey babe, glad to see you poking around. send me some pics of your bambino sometime would you? and if you ever need to talk about the old days you know i'm around for that ;)

xoxo,
j
ophelia99
Jan. 1st, 2012 04:37 am (UTC)
Hey love. the old days.. lol. I try not to dwell in the past but I definitely am a personality that looks back and sees everything with a romantic notion. How are you? Things good? Still in NYC?
( 6 comments — Leave a comment )

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