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Hello, it's me.

Hello LJ. I got lost tonight in nostalgia and wound up here... looking at Mary's old live journal a bit... thinking back to all my memories. Life is so different. It's hard to remember life before my kids honestly. Yep, I have two kids... a boy who's 5 and a girl who is 2. They are the sweetest things and I love being a mom... BUT.. our world has been rocked by autism. My son is autistic and my daughter likely is as well.... she'll probably be getting formal diagnosis within the next year. I don't like to complain or bitch and moan.. there are so many others out there who have it far worse than we do. My kids are healthy, they smile and show emotion and like to hug and kiss us (most of the time). My son can talk but he doesn't really have conversational speech and my daughter right now isn't speaking at all. It never crossed my mind until the other day "what if she just never speaks?" and that scared the shit out of me. Will they both grow up and be able to take care of themselves? What will they do once I pass away? It's hard to not think about the future with them but I know I need to just stay in the present and focus on the blessings we do have and getting through the current struggles we deal with (potty training).

*sigh*

When I think back to my life in my 20's I was so self absorbed.. maybe that's how most 20 year olds are though. Maybe I shouldn't feel guilty about it, because I definitely had some great times back then, and maybe I should just allow myself to think back fondly on those times? But shit, if I don't get pissed off sometimes at parents who never have to even THINK about autism.. those people in the world who the word autism will never cross their lips. It makes me angry. They don't have to take into consideration the things that I do... will my son ever be potty trained? Will he run off and get lost and not be able to tell people his name or where he lives? But then again, there are disabilites and different things in life that I never think of and someone else out there is dealing with it.. day in, day out. We all have struggles man... and right now I'm struggling to keep my eyes open. So until next time live journal.. thank you for being here.

That old feeling

I've been having dreams over the past week or so of me being single again... dreams where I'm in situations like I'm living with roommates and or I'm in my early 20's and crushing on someone. Don't get me wrong.. I love being married and a mom... but these dreams are also coming with that feeling ... that feeling of uncertainty and excitement. That feeling where you don't know what's going to happen. Will I end up with my crush? Butterflies in the stomach. I think I was addicted to that feeling when I was younger.. hence, that's why I always was in terrible "relationships" (or crushes) and never had an adult, grown up boyfriend. (Did I use the word hence correctly back there?)

Anyway.. it's kinda nice to wake up with that giddy feeling. One dream was about John Mayer, another about Danny from The Mindy Project, and last night I was at a party with a bunch of 20 somethings and other "adults" (My parents included). The guy who played Jeff Buckley was there /Penn_Badgley and I was trying to impress him by playing some Buckley on the jukebox. Before my song played though, my mom told me to put something else on and Penn walked out of the room. I was mad that he didn't get to hear the music and understand that I was such a "deep" person to appreciate it and I threw a tantrum like a child and huffed and puffed my way out of the party. My dad followed me and grabbed me by the arm in front of everyone and embarrassed me. I remember rationally thinking in my head "I'm 37! You can't do that to me!".. but at the same time.. REALLY feeling those emotions like when you are a teenager and upset.

I guess what I really should be focusing on is the interaction with my parents.. since they are staying with me here in NY for a few months.. maybe the dream is really telling me that I feel like I'm not in control with them around?

Either way.. these dreams are what have brought me back to Live Journal.. and it's nice to be back. Maybe I'll keep posting here every so often.. as my little escape, when I have the time. It's nice to have an outlet and a place to go.. it's nice to have a moment to myself to reflect and think on things.. even if it's just babble. Now that I'm married and have a child, it's really rare to have those moments.

Nice chatting with you LJ.

A night in Austin

I had been to my friend's apartment a few times previous to this but this night I was going to be meeting some of her friends and hanging out, and if they were anything like her I knew I was in for an interesting night. I walked up the stairs and into her small one bedroom to find her place filled with a variety of eclectic people. I'd say there were at least 10 to 15 people wandering around, moving from the outside balcony into the kitchen and back again. When I walked in she gave me a bright, warm smile and hugged me tight. Her apartment was simple filled with found furniture, pictures of her favorite bands and musicians on the walls, and drums in the corner of the room. That's why I liked her so much. Even though she was about 8 years my junior we had a lot in common and she seemed more mature than her 20 years of age. I walked into the kitchen and was surprised to find her mother in there along with her friends. Her mom was just as beautiful as she was and looked fairly young even though she was probably in her late 40's. It was kind of funny in a cool way to see her mom "partying" with her and her friends. I sat at her table and chatted with her mother and another young girl about random things and nothing in particular. The incense in the room was thick and made it smell like a rock concert was going on. Everyone was so friendly, smiling at each other and me, drinking alcohol and some marijana smoking was quite possibly going on though I don't remember seeing any outright and I didn't partake myself. It was just such a chill, relaxed atmosphere. I remember feeling like these were the people in Austin I wanted to hang out with. These were "my" people. Don't get me wrong, I had met many interesting people since moving to Austin 6 months previously but for some reason this night, these people, just felt like I belonged there even though I didn't know 99% of the crowd (that was horribly written btw but I'm keeping it in anyway lol).

After sitting at the kitchen table for a while I decided to go out onto the balcony and get some air. I grabbed a beer and opened the sliding glass door where I was met by 4 or 5 people sitting in an assortment of folding lawn chairs. I was greeted with hellos and again, I did not know a single person out there. Someone got up to go inside and I took their seat, popped open my beer, and took a nice cold swing. There is something about drinking a cold beer outside in the muggy Texas air. That and possibly having a cigarette with it. I can't remember the exact conversation out on that balcony except that we were talking about travel. Places we had been, places we wanted to go, places we had heard about. I remember thinking to myself that I never find people who want to discuss travelling. The conversation was so easy as each person spoke up when they felt the time was right and no one was talking over each other and there were no awkward silences. A few jokes were cracked here and there and most of us on the balcony were probably at least buzzed I would say. I can't remember how long I sat out there but I eventually walked back inside and it was at that point that a friend of mine I had invited showed up to the party. That was another thing about Austin, most of the time everyone really had a "the more is merrier" attitude. You could (and would) invite friends over to parties and no one minded. No one had that "oh, don't invite more girls" (or guys) thing going on which I've witnessed before. Or that "well who is your friend" type thing. Everyone in Austin is always up for meeting new folks, and I think that's why Austin has such a small town feel. It seems like everyone knows everyone and I loved that city for that. For some reason my friend and I left to go to the store or pick someone up and I have a feeling I didn't make it back to the party that night. I probably ended up somewhere else and had a few more drinks only to go home and pass out in my bed alone.

Either way, I just will always remember that night in Austin at my friends party. How I felt there among her friends.. I felt for a second in my life like *I* was a "cool" person.. hanging out with other "cool" people and we all "got" each other. It was effortless.. not like any of us were trying. It was comfortable and a bit exciting as well. I think it is times like those that I miss the most in my new married, mommy life. Not that I'm complaining. I am so grateful for the memories of those times and it's not like I won't have them again. As a matter of fact we are going out for sushi night this coming Wednesday with some of Tim's coworkers and I think it's time I try my hand at actually being social and pleasant. There were moments you know when I could actually be quite the conversationalist and the life of the party.

(side note: this started out kinda like me trying to actually "write" something (though it was all freeform and stream of conciousness) and ended up more like a journal entry but what the hell). :)
More often than not I think I'm unhappy. Is that weird though.. to say I "think" I'm unhappy? I mean, I'm a stay at home mom so my days are filled with cartoons, changing diapers, feeding the baby, playing with him... and that stuff is fun most of the time... but when it comes down to me.. who I am as a person.. I'm really unfulfilled. I have always, for as long as I remembered, felt like there was something BIG I was supposed to do in life. Write a book, sing, create something.. I guess be creative in some way.. and I just have always felt like I don't know WHAT or HOW to express that. So here I am.. married, not working towards any goal, and living far away from my family who I am super close with and friends in Texas.. it's no wonder I'm unhappy.

And I really don't think it's my marriage,... I mean, I really do love Tim. Yeah, sometimes I miss that excitement and spark of being single and meeting someone new.. but I love Tim and we have been through so much together and yeah, sometimes he does little things that bug me but I'm sure I do the same to him and isn't that what marriage is about? Point is though.. Tim wants me to be happy. He has told me before to do what makes me happy. If that's just have only one child and travel the world with Benicio then do it. I mean, Tim will try to be as supportive as he can in order for me to be happy.. but a major problem is I'm not sure what will make me happy. I feel like if I had a career that I loved.. something in travel maybe or artistic/creative stuff maybe I'd feel happy and fulfilled in myself. But then I think.. hell.. probably 99% of people out there DO NOT have jobs they find fulfilling and are just working to make some money. I mean.. seriously, just a few weeks ago I said to Tim out of the blue "maybe I should go to pastry school and be a pastry chef". Where the fuck did that come from? Like I've even baked anything before. I mess up those Betty crocker brownies in a box! I did bake some homemade bread once and it came out great and I felt very proud ... but really? A pastry chef? Like I'm just gonna say "OK, that's it. I'm gonna be a pastry chef" and it's going to be my life's passion??? I'm so messed up.

I asked Tim how he knew what he wanted to go to college for and he said he just knew. I think it's because his older brother went to school for basically the same thing and he just followed in his footsteps without thinking about it. And he says he is happy at his job and it makes him feel fullfilled but sometimes I don't think that's so true. I wish I could just KNOW that something is my path and follow through on it. Will I ever complete anything? Will I ever be GOOD at anything? ugh.

New Year's Eve 2011

How the hell did we get here? Wasn't it yesterday that it was barely 2003? So I just put the baby back to sleep and I'm up alone on the couch .. it's 11:27 pm and what is on the tv? Of course it's Coldplay on Austin City Limits. ha. Coldplay is like the music of my .. well, not youth.. but my 20's I guess you'd say. Yeah, I like Coldplay and I"m not afraid to admit it.. even though I haven't listened to any new music they have made since 2004 or so. They just make music that really resonates with the emotional side of me. And of course they are playing in Austin.. so watching this really brings me back to those days. I make fun of my cousin Jennifer for living in the 80's... listening to all 80's hair bands.. but aren't I just doing the same sometimes? Living in the early 2000's... not musically but emotionally and memory-wise.

I freaked out today on my husband because I have been feeling over the last few days like I'm not happy with much in my life... but haven't I always been that way? He pointed out (and it's likely true) that I always want what I can't have. When I was single I was lonely and wanted a relationship, a family. Now that I have that I want my freedom. I really think that I just need that balance and I don't have it. No girlfriends near by for going out.. I do get to travel quite a bit though if I'm honest with myself.

I just have always felt like I wanted a life that was different. Who doesn't though right? I always wanted adventure and excitement.. romance. I was thinking about that feeling when you go out for a night .. get all dressed up and feeling hot/sexy and are in a bar/club that smells like beer and cigarettes and sweat.. but it's sorta a strangely good smell. You walk through the club looking at everyone.. not knowing what the night is going to bring.. sizing up hot guys.. maybe someone catches your eye and you exchange glances for a bit.. that electricity and excitement of those moments is what I miss I guess. Not that I have to have that experience per say... I just need something that's all mine.. just for me.. thrilling and fun and new. Hell, maybe I need to take another workout class or try something dumb like pottery or painting. lol.

anyway.. Happy New Year everyone.

Been a long time...

years even.. like two since I last posted but more than that since I really kept this thing up to date with my daily thoughts and feelings. I think I might start coming here again more often though.. just to let out those private things that need out.. purge everything out of those dark and dusty corners that have been overlooked for so long. I'm a much more positive person than I was 15 or 10 years ago, that's for sure.. but there are still traces of sadness and depression there that just have no way out anymore. Of course my husband and my beautiful baby boy definitely help keep that darkness at bay. How can I even look at my son smiling without smiling back? There is no way. But, when I have moments of alone like now it's nice to be able to type freestyle like this and just get things out into the open... visually look at them on the monitor and make them more real while letting go of them at the same time. I suppose I can thank "him" for bringing me back to this site since I had a dream about him last night that was so real.

In it we were in a room together with my sister as well.. I was trying to get him to talk to me, communicate somehow but he wasn't doing it.. but at the same time I could tell he wanted me around. Finally I decided to leave since he wasn't even speaking to me. That's when I woke up.

Maybe I'll use this site as a place to vent my frustrations.. which will mainly be the fact that I want to be back in the south, back in Texas specifically with my family.. and it looks like I might not ever get there.

Ok, back to reading entries from the past now.
9 years later and I'm still dreaming about you. We used to use words like "magnetic" to describe us and now there are just traces of your ghost haunting me. Will I ever stop thinking about you? I'm not living in the past, the past is living with me.

La Horse.

French music makes me feel sexy. French music and rainy days.. they go well together don't they? with some coffee, or in this case, tea.

I am currently in the planning stages of a trip to California for mid October. It's going to be the best trip ever.

This saturday night Tim and I are going to a roller derby event nearby... live music, roller derby scrimmages, and free form skating for all! Maybe I'll rent some skates and go for a spin!
I remember now what I wanted to discuss...

Grey Gardens.

about 2 or 3 weeks ago it was all over the place.. the grey gardens hbo film starring drew barrymore was about to be released. Tim and I were listening to NPR on they way home from work one day when they were interviewing Drew about her character and I decided to research it since I knew nothing about it (and how could I have lived 32 years and never had heard this amazing story btw?!?) .. well, that was it. I became obsessed. I watched most of the actual documentary (they are missing part 1) on youtube and then asked my sister in law to record the movie for me on hbo since we don't have it. I am strangely fascinated with the whole story, the idea of closing yourself off to the world, of living your life as if you were glamourous and a fresh faced 20 something when you are actually living in filth and are now in your 50's.... just love it. It's so... strangely.. beautiful and haunting and creepy and just.. devine. Ashley.. if you are reading this and know nothing about grey gardens, I HIGHLY recommend you discover it... it is RIGHT up your alley!

another obsession I've been into lately (that started around the same time)... golden girls. Yes, GOLDEN GIRLS. The 80's sitcome about 4 older sassy women living in Miami. LOL.. I have found a youtube site that has ALL of the episodes .. not to mention it is shown on tv like 12 times a day .... and what timing with the death of Bea Arthur and all. Golden girls was the early sex and the city.. and funnier to boot! Thank you for being a friend indeed!

Apr. 30th, 2009

what is that saying? hindsight is 20/20?

isn't it crazy how if we only knew then what we know now right? I wish my future self could come talk to me now.. I wonder what I would say to me? Maybe if I concentrate long enough and hard enough I can hear it.

so we went to mexico in late February.. had a GREAT time... I mean, seriously.. fell in LOVE with the small town of puerto morelos.

the main square in town held a basketball court and a small playground for kids and surrounding the square there were very small restaurants and shops.. but nothing like you imagine... I mean.. this was a VILLAGE. Not a city, not a town, A FREAKIN' VILLAGE... with two main roads leading to the square. We would walk to town on the beach and walk back late at night with a million stars actually twinkling above us. and our room at our resort? huge! gorgeous! fabulous! I used my spanish a bit and had a full conversation with a guy at the Tulum ruins... I felt proud... still have a long way to go though with the spanish.. Anyway we went, we saw, and we did not get sick!

here are some quick thoughts on mexico:

coconut ice cream
playing with monkeys
waking up at 3 am to watch tv and cuddle
falling asleep by 9 pm
fish, fish, more fish!
tulum ruins were like entering another time
pesos make you feel like you are spending a lot of money when you aren't
everyone we encountered was super friendly
cancun airport is hectic
you can buy three tacos, one soda, and one water for about 3.50!


wow, I just had something else in mind to talk about and it literally flew away from me.. I'm sitting here in the dark trying to get it back.

it's windy out right now.. so windy I could hear it.. when I hear the wind it makes me think of mary.. but I've been thinking about her a lot lately.

it's a crossroads for us right now... to move or not move? to have a baby or not? to get a new job? to go back to school? but then again it is a strange period for the entire world right now isn't it what with the economy and all... I can feel it.

maybe when that thought comes back to me I'll return with it here to livejournal.

I miss all my friends. Even if I have not talked to you in years.. you are still in my heart.